martial arts and personal tragedy

[Tonersensei]

Hello All,

Have any of you found a circumstance where your practice of Budo has helped you through a serious personal circumstance? I wanted to relate my own experience, although it's difficult to talk (or even write) about.

Last July, my 16 year old son died violently. He was the victim of a robbery, and died as a result of his injuries a short time later. The police had suspects in custody within hours, and murder charges have been laid. The trial commences soon.

When it happened, I stopped teaching and practicing for a couple of weeks. I found I felt weak, not only emotionally, but physically as well. This passed shortly, and then I felt a needed to train to deal with the conflicting emotions. Of course anger fueled me to some degree, I started training alone at first, working the heavy bag and the weapons. Once I felt in control of myself again, I started teaching again and working Jiu-jitsu techniques with my students. It was then that I realized the full therapeutic value of the arts. The kata helped ground me, gave me focus, and teaching helped move me forward. I don't think I could have gone through it without this outlet. My family and I did some counselling, but honestly, what I did for myself in the dojo was far more productive.

I am moving forward every day, but just wondered if anyone else had any similar ideas and experiences.

Respectfully,

[TonyU]

Wow! I don't know what to say except I'm sorry for your loss.

[Webmaster]

Wow David, not a lot to really say except that I am also sorry for your loss. My story is not quite as tragic, but my wife and I lost everything due to Hurricane Katrina. Although things are not completely back to normal yet, teaching and being with my dojo "family" has definately helped me through a difficult time.

[RickMatz]

As a middle aged suburbanite, I feel little need for real self defense (althought I think the ability to fight is sort of a litmus test of whether you are training correctly).

The value of practice to me, is the ability to keep a calm mind in the face of adversity.

Years ago, when my father had a heart attack, he needed to have surgery. I was the only one who could be there with him. The surgery lasted late into the night. There was no one around. Every few hours someone from the medical team would come along, give me a status, and ask me to make life and death decisions for my father.

I kept my wits. I asked questions. I learned about options. I suggested some of my own. I made decisions. It wouldn't have done him any good to have folded.

The value of all the martial arts training I had done up until that point revealed itself to me then and there.

YiQuan, in addition, has given me peace of mind. I think more clearly. I'm more relaxed and calm. My reaction time is noticably quicker. I'm a better person in about every way.

[Erik]

Sport practice has helped me through lots of stuff. The regularity, the normalicy, seeing my buddies and doing together what we do together, the fitness, all of these helped me blow off steam, stay relaxed (at least more than otherwise), keep from going nuts, and just make it through the rough times in general.

It helped me keep feeling like me, if that makes any sense.

I'm terribly sorry about your loss, David. That's awful. My heart is with you and your family.

[Gene Williams]

I was very close to my father. When he died and the funeral was over, I went to the dojo alone that night and did kata. It was the only thing I knew to do to pull me back from the darkness. Losing a child is the most unthinkable tragedy I can imagine. No one who has not been there can understand what you must feel, but I do understand your need to train. Maybe one day you can help someone else who has suffered the same loss.
It is a terrible path to inner strength, but I hope it leads you there. Gene

[jwinch2]

That took alot of courage to post on a public forum like this. Thank you very much for sharing David...

All the best,

Jason

[seidogirl]

David,

I am so sorry for your loss. I've had a lot of loss in my life, but the worst losses were losing both my parents at relatively young ages. My Mom died 2 years ago and I was looking for an outlet for my anger and for something that hopefully would give me some inner peace. Karate has done that for me. It has taught me to think fast, deal with all types of situations and maybe most importantly: how to deal with adversity. I only wish I had taken karate before my parents died.

I find the kata very relaxing and gets me out of my own head, so to speak. Karate has given me focus and discipline that I haven't had before. I also go to grief counseling which has helped as well, but karate has just done something for me that I can't even explain. Maybe it's given me a higher purpose? I don't know, but I understand what you're saying and I'm glad that it has helped you in the same way.

[X_plosion]

I am sorry to hear of your loss. I am also glad that your training has been of help to you. My prayers are with you.

Just two days ago, I lost an uncle who was very close to me. He had been the first to suggest I study martial arts. The discipline of training and the support I have received from both family and classmates is helping me to handle it. Hopefully, I can handle it as effectively as you have.

[Tonersensei]

Thank you all for your kind comments and for relating your own experiences. Through martial arts we find strength, and through others we learn compassion.

Peace

[khujo78]

first, I'm VERY sorry to hear about this. second, by the age of 10 I had seen a man killed from a slit throat and a 'mentor' of mine killed from a shotgun blast. I started TKD when I was 12 and played soccer to keep me focused on things outside of the negativity. I could never fathom the pain of losing a loved one, and at that age I could only do things to occupy my time. However, since getting into martial arts, I have been able to deal with situations alot better than alot of my peers. I thsnk martial arts and the military for giving me the focus I needed to make it through some tough times. Not much else I can say, nut I hope all is going wll with your family.

[khujo78]

umm, thsnk=thank, and nut=but :o

[Kat]

Hey, I'm so sorry to hear about your losses and tragedies. I never had to experience anything like that, but do love tragedies count as well? I mean, it hurt and Martial Arts has helped me and still does. It makes me focus on other things, gives my mind a "time-out" and going nuts against a boxing bag can be great sometimes. We've been going out for two years, he lived in my house for 8 months and then he broke up quite suddenly. Two weeks later he had a new girlfriend. But I know that this is nothing comparable to what you experienced, David, and I have great respect for how you deal with this loss.

[NickR]

Touching stories. I have been through some tough times similar to some of the stories above, but I was'nt doing any MA at the time.
I felt the need to re-start MA as a way to unwind from the stress of life, things were getting on top of me, it was basically a fresh start and outlook to life that make me look to MA again.

[Shinken]

David, first off I would just like to say sorry for your loss. I would say more if I could, but I've always felt it's time's like these when "Sorry" is both all you can say and all you should say.

I say that, of course, because nearly three years ago, my mother died of an aneurism which led to a double cerebral hemorrhage. She was on organ support and I, her oldest child who had recently turned 18 (my other mother could do nothing, they refused to opt for civil unions in Vermont for personal reasons), had to sign the order to have support terminated and her organs harvested for donation in accordance to her wishes.

I'm not going to attribute everything to martial arts, it was more my desire to overcome both my loss and what was a lot of old high school/teenage angst and become an adult, as well as to stop feeling like a victim, but martial arts was definitely one of the prime mediums by which I worked through my grief. I, too, was angry, just at nothing in particular.

Anyways, currently, I'm doing great, about to graduate, go to graduate school, and then pursue a career in teaching English as a second language. Never as "normal" as I was, just different, and, in a peculiar sense . . . better.

So, yes, I too have had a similar experience as you. I'm really sorry to hear about your loss, and I wish you and your family the best.

[stella fuentes]

So sorry about your loss David. There is a saying here that one of the greatest pains is that a parent outlive their offspring.

I find that sometimes when everything else seems to fall apart, the only thing that keeps me together is static cling and martial arts. It was especially true about 2-3 years ago. What really kept me going was the fact that I have to be "together" when I get on the mats. Later, it became easier to manage.

I sincerely hope you are managing okay now. Thank you for sharing, David.

[dao]

My condolences, as well. I really (fortunately) have nothing else to add.

[tkdclassicsgeek]

I'm very sorry about your loss, I couldn't imagine that sort of loss. For me I went through a period of major depression a few years ago, was even hospitalized for a time, but afterwards I started TKD and haven't looked back since. I know that it is a large part of what keeps me going, as the regularity, the excercise, and the discipline have all helped me gain self-confidence. I only wish I had started a few years earlier.