How understanding is your spouse when it comes to your Martial Arts?

[tkdcanada]

This was briefly brought up in a thread on a completely different subject, but it got me curious as to the level of understanding of spouses.

Personally, my husband is extremely supportive of absolutely everything I do which I am very thankful for, but I have to admit, he gets slightly annoyed when I talk to him about Taekwondo. It's hard not to talk about it because the three of us are into it (that's the whole family except for him!) it's still so new to us and we are learning so much - there are still so many firsts! He also gets a little annoyed at our class times which are Tuesday evenings (which isn't really a problem), and Friday evenings and Saturday afternoons (that's the problem - it kinda cuts into his weekend time with us). However, there is no other choice for class times. So, he is supportive and very proud of us but sometimes touchy over it and usually uninterested - it's not really his bag and he doesn't get the attraction.

Anyway, I thought this was interesting and would be interested to hear some other experiences in this regard.

Michleine

[Jay Bell]

My EX-wife wasn't very supportive at all :D

[tkdcanada]

Jay,

That's too bad - I don't know if that had anything to do with the break up but I do assume that she probably lost out on a lot due to that inability to be understanding and as well probably caused you and any kids you may have had to lose out. I know about that because my husband is an avid hunter and fisherman and he has spent a lot of time and money over the years on this and it has demanded a great deal of understanding - We made sure not to have kids in the fall so that it woudn't interfere with his hunting! But I have to say that the understanding that I showed him and still do has paid off tenfold. He realized how understanding I am because we have friends whose spouses are not understanding and so he appreciates it a lot in me. Some of our friends tell white lies to their wives because they give them a hard time about things. On the other hand, I get to know everything because I'm understanding and I respect his individuality. We have always focused on quality time, not quantity. Also, he is more understanding with me as a result. It's just a win-win situation and it's too bad more people don't realize that. We are closer because we allow eachother to do our own thing. By the way, I don't get the hunting any more than he gets the Taekwondo - But that's okay! That's the beauty of it!

Anyway, I hope you find or have found someone who is understanding!;)

Any other stories out there?

[Jeff Burger]

Iam not married but since high school I have had many girlfriends complain that "you love martial arts more than me".

Several have at one point or another asked me to skip classes or out right ask me to choose between them.

Im still doing the arts and they are doing whatever they are doing.

Jeff

[Jason H]

My wife is the next highest ranking next to me in our club. She loves the martial arts and has a passion for it only slightly less so than my own.

Here's a bit of insight into my wife: I go and get my motorcycle liscense: she needs to do it as well. I get my bike, she gets hers. She says "I refuse to ride on the back of anyone's bike!" :)

[Jim]

One word for keeping relationships working... communication!

[Jeff Burger]

Hmmm....you say something???

I think its best to find someone who is either into or really not jealous of it...Im going to forget about supportive if not interested.

I go to class early and stay late EVERYTIME.
It is not uncommon for or last class that supposedly ended at 9pm to be crawling out of there at 11pm.

Had a few barbques turn into backyard classes that ran until we sobered up...when the sun came up.

When I take vacations I also plan them around specialized training or at least include personal practice.

That stuff just isnt going to float well in most relationships.

So the next time someone ask you who you love more them or MA just grab your gi bag and ask if they can drop you off at the gym on their out of your life.

Jeff

[tkdcanada]

Actually, if I were looking at the issue from the perspective of a single person starting a relationship after one is completely entrenched into their martial art, I would completely agree with you. I think it's very important to be true to yourself and anyone who cannot live with that has no business in your life. But...
when the personal relationship occurred before the MA, then in all fairness, some concessions have to be made. That's where the supportive but ininterested comes in. MA is all about balance and in our specific system of Taekwondo, we have a triangle system which encourages a perfect balance of personal, school/work and Taekwondo. My kids and I always go to class about 1/2 hour early and end up home 1/2 hour later than we should because we stand around and talk, and I absolutely refuse to miss a class unless it is something extremely important. But, that's where I have to draw the line in the interest of respecting my husband's feelings and being fair and just to him.

But you're absolutely right Jeff, if you are single, find someone who is either as into it as you or so independant that it won't be an issue. No one should ever try to force anyone to make a choice like that. It's not at all fair and is really bad for the relationship. Life is only lived once and everyone should have the opportunity to do the things they like to do without guilt. (as long as they don't hurt anyone else of course!)

Michleine

[tkdcanada]

I just realized I put this thread in the wrong category. Oops! I was reading another thread and just thought of this and posted wherever I was. Sorry.

Michleine

[TkdWarrior]

oh well i m not married n hopefully will not marry in next 5-7 yrs...
girls??they r problems big big problem... girls don't give second thought to kick me because i can't help it even if i gave rest of my time to them....
somebody said communication? well it's true that it will help but there is No One Way Communication.

[sharonhawker]

I have an ex-husband and an ex-boyfriend who were both very anti.
My current partner is also an instructor, we met during the course of our training after the other two relationships.
We teach different styles so, in the main we teach seperately, but sometimes together. We also train together sometimes.
Like it's been said, if anyone already into the arts meets a new partner and they can't accept it, they are not the one for you. People that don't participate seriously have no conception of how important it is or how much it means to us. That isn't anybodys fault, just a fact.

[tkdcanada]

Sharon,

It's very true that someone who doesn't practice seriously has no concept of how much it means to us. Personally, I started a year ago as a fun physical activity to do with my children. Well, to my surprise, it has come to mean much more than that to me and I can't even explain it. It's as if the last piece of the puzzle was discovered. Now I'm not about to give it up for anything. The kids feel this way also and it's become an necessary aspect of our lives.

It's also true what tkd warrior said about one way communication - too bad there's so much of that. From the responses it seems that tolerance and acceptance are the exception rather than the rule!

Michleine

[Jim]

somebody said communication?
Yes, Cain - I mean TKDW, I did :D

Michleine, I think you'll do okay especially if you've been as supportive of his hunting as you say. Just try not to 'preach' MA to a non-MA, spouses included.

My wife has been into Gymnastics for as long as I've been into MA and I used to get REALLY annoyed that her classes didn't finish at the scheduled time. Almost always they would run over by at least 1/2 an hour but in the end I just accepted that it was the 'norm' for them.

I think you'd only have to get worried when the 'foot' came down that it was time to 'give this nonsense up'. But it doesn't sound like he's that type.

Good luck.

[TkdWarrior]

<Yes, Cain - I mean TKDW, I did >

Oh No it's u, Jim didn't noticed yea :p
anyways call me TKDW or Varun

[tkdcanada]

Jim,

Yeah, with us it's really good and I have no complaints. I understand what you mean about the preaching thing; not that I preach but sometimes I get carried away with my enthusiasm - I am slowly learning to tone it down ;)

You're right, he's not the type to 'put the foot down...' He knows I am too headstrong to try something like that! :D

But seriously, it works for us and we both realize how good it is for our relationship to respect the other's individuality and the little annoyances and inconveniences that sometimes comes with it.

Enough about me though, does anyone else have any experiences to share on the subject?

Mich

[Sean Reilly]

My situation is similar to Michleine with a little twist:

My lovely wife was sort of tolerant about my MA's until about 12 months ago. That is she put up with my comings and goings with some minimal face pulling and groans.

About 12 months ago my Wife got the fitness-bug and now runs, walks, swims or works out in a gym like it was a chemical addiction (I no complain). And to her credit she has lost over 33 Kilos (thats about 72lbs to those not in the know).

So now her attitude is "Go Boy & Enjoy" as far as training and as long as I don't waffle on for more than 2 minutes at a time she manages to not let her eyes roll back in her skull in shere boredom.

You gotta love a happy ending, don't ya?

Sean

:D

[aiki craig]

My partner is my student, but she doesnt train as much as me. I have to remember that she does it more for fun and i am much more serious, so i have to be careful how much i presure her to train. We talk alot about what we want from training and how much we want it to effect our lives. Many other partners didnt like me training to often, but i guess i was training 7 days aweek, thats why theyre ex`s:cry: I have learnt to care what my partner thinks and only train 4 times a week now.:splat:

Craig Andrew
Aikido Yuishinkai N.Z

[tkdcanada]

Sean,

Congratulations to your wife! What an accomplishment. That is something I'm struggling with right now. Despite the constant training and exercising, the weight seems to come off ever so slowly which is sometimes discouraging. But anyway, it's true that once the 'left out' partner finds something meaningful to them, they become more able to encourage their better half with much less resentment.

Craig,

As I said before also, you need to make concessions if the relationship and the MA is going to be able to co-exist in your life. You seem to have found the balance and also mastered the communication part (which is oh, so important). It helps that your wife knows from experience where you're coming from though.

So far, I've only heard from men. Aren't there any women out there who have experience with this situation?

Michleine;)

[Bear]

I'm not married, but I had a girlfriend that once tried to make me give up judo. She thought it (and all martial arts) was brutal, especially when I would come to school with a couple bruises here and there. She also didn't like me competing, because tourneys were on Sunday, and I'd miss church for them. She didn't last long. We're still friends, but our philosophies just made things impossible.

[RA Miller]

Time to brag about my wife!!!!!!!

She's very physical, a competent karateka that gets lots of practice with infighting and grappling at home but far more important-

We were looking at a potentially bad situation at work, a generator test in a newly constructed facility and there was some real concern that we would lose power, including cameras and doors for an undetermined length of time. That would be nearly 2000 criminals.

I called home and said, "I need my gear bag." She just said "okay" and hung up.

Fifteen minutes later she was at the gate. She handed me the bag and said, "Call me when it's over." and left.

For people who haven't been there it might be hard to imagine how powerful it is to NOT have to worry about home or someone else's feelings in a tactical situation. She didn't have a million questions or demand to be comforted. She had absolute faith that I could handle the situation without even asking what it was.

Every warrior needs a princess. I have mine.

Rory

[sharonhawker]

So far I have heard only from men, are there any women out there.......

Michelline what are you saying? :D I have replied above.
Sharon (female)

[Lawrence]

Hi, I'm not a woman, but I do have a contibution...


I have been with my partner for just over 9 years now. Before I met her I was trainning too much. 11 different lessons a week in 6 different styles. Concequently, I had no other life.

This I managed to keep doing for about the first 6 - 9 months of our relationship before she put on her trousers, stamped down her foot and anounced that she wanted some time and attention.

Gradually, over time, my interests became a little bit clearer, so I naturally trained in less styles, less clubs but more freaquently.

My partner and me have had many falling outs (mostly because I am not giving her the time and attention she wants when she wants it) but I would never tell her to sling her hook, she means far too much to me to do that.

I do not talk to her about my practice, she is not interested and will not even pretend for 5 minutes once every blue moon. She knows when I train, reminds me of the time, so I am not late and lets me just do as I do. So long as she is made aware of anything like courses or seminars in advance she will let me go without any problem, just so long as I don't come back and talk about it.

I wish she was more interested sometimes, but generally, she is excepting and supportive to my practice.

Take care,

Lawrence.

[tkdcanada]

Sharon,

Sorry, completely honest mistake. I should have said ...heard from MOSTLY men ;) My aplogies. Hope I didn't offend you. :)

Lawrence,

Your situation sounds alot like mine. I too, wish my husband were more interested (afterall, I make an effort to be interested in hunting :rolleyes: ). But, we are all different and as long as they are willing to accept us as we are, what more could we ask, right?

Rory,

I love your story! I try to be that kind of wife also and I admire women who are tough enough to be able to handle themselves without needing someone to constantly comfort, save or dote on them!

Michleine

[sharonhawker]

No offence taken, I just thought it was funny lol
Sharon;)

[Shoto Tiger]

Hiya,

I started MA about 3 years ago now. Initially Shotokan (which I still do) and the took up Self defence and Arnis/Doce Pares.

I believe you have to start as you mean to go - if your partner doesn't appreciated the gateposts moving then it can jeopadise your relationships.

(female)

[Jim]

(female)
There's a female Melanie Box? Does that mean that there's a male one too? :D

[TkdWarrior]

There's a female Melanie Box? Does that mean that there's a male one too? :D

Lmao jim...

howdy mel... cool to see u here :)

[Shoto Tiger]

Thanks Jim and Tkd

Nice to see you guys get about a bit too! ;)

[dao]

Well, I've never been married but, there has been a variety of reactions by the men I've dated to my MA. I think my main squeeze (who I've been dating for about 3 years (?) now) likes that I am active and doing something I enjoy but, he doesn't understand it. He gets very upset when I come home from class with bruises which makes me wonder what'll happen when I get a black eye or worse... I am actually a bit worried about the effect this having on my relationship with him- any suggestions?

In return for his support, I try and be supportive even though it is extremely hard for me of his golf habit.

[kodanjaclay]

Deb,

A lot of times our emotions about things like this are caused by the shock value that something carries. For example, when you see a woman with bruises, what is typically one's first reaction? She must be being beaten.

What I would suggest is to try to get him involved, at least as an arm chair warrior. Maybe in this way he can share in your accomplishments while not directly partaking. In the long run, who knows, maybe he'll try it if he sees enough.

Hope this helps.

[tkdcanada]

Debra,

Although my husband does not play golf, I know from talking to others how annoyingly addictive golf is to the people who do play. For the record, hunting is similar in that respect - they're diehards! I really don't think any of us can fully understand something that we aren't into and don't take the time to learn about. It's the interest, I think that makes a person understand. As far as him being upset about the bruises, well I am assuming that you were practising MA before you got together with him, so...what did he expect!? Afterall it's MA! That being said, I don't think it's fair that you should be responsible for his reactions to YOUR bruises. I actually show my bruises off to my husband (he just rolls his eyes). Any effect on the relationship that is caused merely by his reaction to a few minor bruises is clearly his problem in my eyes. Maybe he's threatened by the fact that you are engaging in an activity that he maybe considers "man territory." Just a thought. I agree with kodanjaclay that you should invite him to come and watch now and then - it may open his mind. The first time I invited my husband to come and watch us spar (we had just begun sparring), we were doing drills and the 16 year old second dan girl I was doing drills with kicked me and made me double over. (She's really good and has sparred in National competitions). It was kinda funny because she turned around and apologized to him and he laughed and joked that it was all right - he's been wanting to do that for a long time!
But seriously, it would give him a better idea of what you do.

Other than that, I think you should just talk openly about it and find out why it bothers him so much. Maybe he has issues with women being hurt from previous experiences or maybe he's just self conscious and thinks that if you have bruises, people will think it's him - either way, he needs to realize that it's something that's out of his control, it's your decision.

Keep supporting the golf habit and you can use it over his head if he gives you a hard time! And if you ever get a black eye or a broken nose, etc.. just reassure him that bodies heal!

Sorry to have gone on so long. Hope this helped!

Michleine

[Jeff Burger]

Fightgrrl and I are in a store...its warm day and she has on a sleeveless shirt and a dress...and ALOT of bruises...some are pretty big.

A man is curiously following her around the store.
When he thinks he has her alone he says to her... "you dont have to live like".
I come up behind him and say..."yeah...she does"
:devil:

Most non martial artist will probably think you are crazy...my mom still thinks Im totally insane...not that she isnt paranoid morbid that the worse will always happen anyway.

My first trip overseas she really thought i need my head examined.
Mom....your gonna pay hundreds of $$$$ to fly somewhere and pay hundreds more to get beat up...you cant get beat up enough here?
Me...nobody can beat you up like they can...their the best at it...they invented
:devil:

Some ask about my black eye....
them...whats that
me...a trophy...want one?
:devil:

Are you seeing a pattern here of torturing people???

:D

Jeff

[Sean Reilly]

Just the other day after a class we were all talking up our bruises, black eyes etc and Elvis Sinosic (he took the class) commented "Ah, Yes gifts from your classmates".

But my wife still can't get over my bruises. I tell anyone who asks that she gave them to me. Then give them that knowing wink.

The fact that I always refer to my wife as "She who thinks she must be obeyed" now seems kind of ironic.

Cheers


Sean:)

[tkdcanada]

You're bad Jeff! I like your style though! :D

It's really hard to explain to someone how getting beaten and bruised is a good thing. All I know is that rush of adrenaline I get when I spar is very addictive! I am literally on a natural high afterwards. And the bruises just show how hard you play. The feeling increases my energy level, my enthusiasm for my curriculum training, and for life in general - The bruises are just a minor, annoying side effect!

Michleine

[dao]

I have no problem with being bruised and living with the bruises - well not as long as I have an equal opportunity to bruise the person I'm happy (I am not a masochist ya' know". If I gave another impression I goofed. I'll write more later.
I

[tkdcanada]

you didn't give that impression. I completely get what you meant. :)

Michleine

[Dutch]

I have been married for 17 years now, and my wife has not only understood what the MA (Choy Lee Fut) has meant to me, but has helped me many times over these feewwww years. :-) When I used to compete in my younger years, she would be the one calling the hotels and making reservations, and making sure I had all my stuff before leaving the house. She would go to watch whenever it was possible. She has never taken a lesson and has never been interested in taking any, but backs me 110%. Now that I am teaching, she is right there helping me with anything she can. I am a very lucky guy, in that I was able to meet a woman that is so understanding of individual desires and wants. Now we have 3 girls that train with me all the time, and she is right there supporting them as well.

:)

[Sean Reilly]

Gee, Dutch, if I didn't love my wife so much I would have to ask if your wife had a sister.

Cheers you lucky guy!



Sean

PS don't forget to sign your posts with your full real name (in accordance with Budoseek rules)

[Dutch]

Appreciate the kind words Sean, and yes she does have a sister, but she is married already. :-)

My real name is Dutch Jenkins, so my signature shows my real name.

[Sean Reilly]

Sorry Dutch.

Seriously when I read your last post there was nothing written down the bottom of the screen like there obviously is now.

Going senile or just plain stupid I guess.

Cheers




Sean

[Dutch]

:D

[tkdcanada]

My kids and I participated in our first Taekwondo competition yesterday and my husband came along for support and as a spectator. I must say that because of this, his previously "supportive but uninterested" attitude has completely changed and he is now both supportive AND interested. As a result of his attending the competition with us he has gained a better understanding of Taekwondo and also a new respect for it. He has also gotten the chance to see us in action which surprised and impressed him (we were better than he thought we were) and he has gotten a chance to meet the people we train with each week as well as talk to and get to know them a bit. Now he is actually enthusiastic about our involvement in Taekwondo and anxious to attend more events similar to that one. (After the competition, we talked about it all evening and he was really into it). He is not interested in it for himself but he had fun watching us and liked the fact that it was a family outing - something we generally never do. He said he could even see us travelling further for weekends and such to attend competitions. I am very lucky to have this kind of support and to have a husband where the cost is less important that doing what you love. As well as my kids and I gaining alot from the experience, our family gained alot and it had the impact that I had hoped it would have on my husband. I would suggest to anyone to get their significant other involved so that they can see first hand what it's all about - even if they are reluctant - they should at least give it that chance before discounting it or judging it - they may come away with a whole new outlook (such as in my case).

Michleine Cloutier

[Jeannette]

My husband and I are very supportive of each other. I honestly don't think we'd be married if we weren't. I've been training long since we've met and I believe it is one of the things he loves about me. We established an agreement when we decided to date that it is important to do the things that we love to do whether it is with each other, or on our own. For my husband, it is surfing in the ocean and writing short stories. For me, the list is too long and training is just one of the things I love to do. If my husband doesn't do those things he loves to do he is a grouch and uptight just like myself when I haven't trained in a week. A couple of weeks ago my husband started training in the bujinkan. I tried to get him to train four years ago when we met, but he wasn't into it. So, I was happily surprised to see him show up one day to train. He is really into it! Now I have someone to throw around with at home and practice weapons with in our back yard. It's important to have a balance in any kind of relationship. Too much of anything is bad for you.

[jakmak52]

I am fortunate enough to have a very supportive and understanding wife, Janell, who comes with me tournaments. :D

[Mark Barlow]

My wife is a former professional ballerina and runs a ballet school. She perfectly understands the passion and commitment I feel to martial arts. We support each other whether it means staying late at the dojo or ballet studio or traveling to train or teach. I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have a partner who understands why I carry a dogi everytime we go on vacation. She has sat and been bored half to tears while accompanying me to seminars and I've quietly wished for the sweet escape of death while sitting through yet another NUTCRACKER. But the important thing is, we don't whine! :)

Mark Barlow

[starkjudo]

My wife is a former professional ballerina and runs a ballet school. She perfectly understands the passion and commitment I feel to martial arts. We support each other whether it means staying late at the dojo or ballet studio or traveling to train or teach. I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have a partner who understands why I carry a dogi everytime we go on vacation. She has sat and been bored half to tears while accompanying me to seminars and I've quietly wished for the sweet escape of death while sitting through yet another NUTCRACKER. But the important thing is, we don't whine! :)

Mark Barlow

Sensei, for some reason, I can imagine her idea of Nutcracker and yours have entirely different meanings :)

[Erik]

She hates BJJ because:
1) I come home bruised up,
2) I don't get thin, just thicker and stronger (and I outweigh her by almost 100 lbs already),
3) she does not like what is happening to my ears,
4) she does not approve of seeing me in someone else's guard (she thinks we're perverts),
5) she hates listening to me complain if I'm sore (it's your own fault! You should still be swimming like sensible guys your age!), and
6) she thinks her brother could do it all better, anyway.

And when I run the 2.5 miles home after practice all she says is "you're too slow!"

Ah, life is rough! But I love her and I love my sport!

[Mark Barlow]

Rio and I shared space at my dojo in Birmingham. She taught ballet, I taught Jujutsu. One Christmas, a student had a poster made saying, "At the Barlow Academy you can learn Jujutsu or Ballet. Either way, you'll learn the Nutcracker." I had the poster framed and it's on my office wall.

[Akuma]

First, let me say, Micheleine, that you seem to be an incredibly insightful and stable person...I almost always enjoy reading your posts. I am definitely proud that you are representing the art of TKD. :) Now that the gushing is all over, let me say that this issue has always been a bit of a sore spot with me and the mrs. Every since I met my wife, 8 long years ago :) I was quite smitten with her. But she does not enjoy physical activity the way that I do and so she has alway been very jealous of the time I spend working out or training. It has gotten better over the years..but it still seems to come up from time to time. If it were up to me, I would train every weekday, Mon-Fri. But to "compromise" I only train on Tue, Thur and Sat. And even then, I will get comments during the week like, "cant you stay home tonight" or if I get a bruise during sparring (especially in the face) she gets quite upset! LOL! I think that she would be much more understanding if she had a physical hobby herself, but I've pretty much given up on pushing that agenda. So, we muddle on and try to accomodate each other. I'm getting pretty good at deflecting the moans and groans and she has become less vocal over time about my training...usually. As long as I don't try to discuss poomse with her, she doesnt give me too much grief :) peace

[Shinji]

My wife is the only reason I now study TKD. I trained for years in Muay Thai, Silat, and MMA. She was never interested and it was a sore spot because I was away several nights during the week. I took a couple years off because of changes in my career and then one day she pops up and says hey lets check out some MA schools. I think it would be fun to have another hobby together that would help get us back in shape. My wife was a competitive swimmer from age 5 until college and I'd always been in the martial arts but since we turned 26 or so the battle of the buldge started hardcore. We looked first to my old Khuen Khru but it Thai boxing and MMA were too hardcore for my wife. We found a TKD school with some great people and 3 female instructors which made my wife much more comfortable. We've been there for about 2 years now and its great. Having hobbies, and I only refer to being a martial artist as a hobby because I'm not a professional...yet :bow: , has really made our relationship even better.

[Erik]

An idea for spouses who don't want to spend time working out - you can remind them that without physical activity they die younger, plain and simple.

If you want to make it more romantic and less draconian sounding, tell her you'd like to enjoy a long, long life with her so you'd better both regularly do something athletic - or simply put, die young.

Just an idea. I know it sounds extreme, but it's true and might work when all else fails. It's a compelling way to pull her (or him) away from the TV.

[tkdcanada]

First, let me say, Micheleine, that you seem to be an incredibly insightful and stable person...I almost always enjoy reading your posts. I am definitely proud that you are representing the art of TKD. :) Now that the gushing is all over, let me say that this issue has always been a bit of a sore spot with me and the mrs. Every since I met my wife, 8 long years ago :) I was quite smitten with her. But she does not enjoy physical activity the way that I do and so she has alway been very jealous of the time I spend working out or training. It has gotten better over the years..but it still seems to come up from time to time. If it were up to me, I would train every weekday, Mon-Fri. But to "compromise" I only train on Tue, Thur and Sat. And even then, I will get comments during the week like, "cant you stay home tonight" or if I get a bruise during sparring (especially in the face) she gets quite upset! LOL! I think that she would be much more understanding if she had a physical hobby herself, but I've pretty much given up on pushing that agenda. So, we muddle on and try to accomodate each other. I'm getting pretty good at deflecting the moans and groans and she has become less vocal over time about my training...usually. As long as I don't try to discuss poomse with her, she doesnt give me too much grief :) peace

Wow, I'm so honoured to have that kind of effect :bow: One question: ALMOST always??? :p

It is a tough situation when spouses don't see eye to eye on something that means so much to one and not the other. I am pleased to report that in my case, it has been a long and often very tough road but we have made it through the other side. We are at a point where he more than just tolerates my training, he encourages it and on the other side, I have made more efforts to make it fit into our lives rather than him fit into "it". He is now excited with me and for me when I go to a competition, we have even begun weight training together, so we have that as a 'together' activity. It was worth all that we went through to get here because we wouldn't have come to this point without all the negative stuff. Now it's better than ever. My advice to anyone: don't be afraid to stick to your guns, but also don't be too proud to do a little bit if compromising. In the end, everybody wins! ;)

[poetic misjustice]

well i've been a martial artist pretty much all my life so i've never been in a relationship while not doing martial arts, but the general response i got from pretty much all of them are "you are way too obssessed with the martial arts i think you should cut down and spend more time with me" which kind of annoyed me because i was spending pretty much all day with her anyway and a few nights. another relationship went down the drain because i was better than her at martial arts, she did taekem kwan kickboxing and told me that i should join for extra training, i thought it was a good idea then we'd be training together, but she was only a yellow belt (first proper belt) and i had been training ten years so naturally i was better in my kicks and movements, she got really annoyed "you're upstaging the rest of the class" and then she got annoyed that i progressed quicker than her so she dumped me, i don't do taekem kwan anymore training got too expensive.

[Jason T Gatts]

My wife completely understands my dedication to the martial arts. She's a martial artist too. We actually met in the local Kickbboxing club. But for people who's spouses aren't interested in the Martial Arts I think that common ground can still be found. My wife is also extremely into team sports, especially field hockey (she coaches), I have never had any interest in team sports but because I know how important my time training is (to me) I can appreciate her wanting to get out on the field. Maybe your spouse is someone who needs to read for an hour a day or so or maybe they have one particular show the have to watch or something along these lines. Explain to them that your training is the same way - it's something you have to do (for you).

[poetic misjustice]

yeah, i think it would probaly be a good idea if went out with a martial artist, and not one that's a lower level that gets annoyed by my MA superiority. Most of the time they leave me because i'm a "weirdo" because martial arts isn't a very mainstream lifestyle, and once becaus ei couldn't meet her one evening because i had training, apparanlty i was supposed to meet her parents..oops :rolleyes:

[Bengel]

I've recently joined a teacher course which will require me to be away from home at least 3 Saturdays in the month besides my normal training hours (untill May next year). I've discussed this with my girlfriend beforehand since it was going to take a lot of my spare time ( also learining theory, writing essays and teaching under guidance at another school). She was ok with it as long as we would still spend some quality time together when I do have spare time. As long as you can make agreements beforehand, you can save yourself a lot of trouble. Fortunately, she has taken up an old hobby of hers (music) so she will not be the only one away from home on Saturdays.

[Jeremy Hulley]

My wife has been really supportive. We spend lots of time doing our own thing and she realizes how important training is for me..

[NickR]

My wife cant even get the name right, jiu-kwon-fu :|

[poetic misjustice]

well martial arts seems to keep me constantly single :D but i'd choose martial arts over a relationship anyday.

[Cyriades]

I'm lucky to have a fiance who understands how important the martial arts are to me. (Karate is my life :) ) She's even ended up being a "karate adept" in an informal way by helping me clean my dojo, answer the phone, chat with students and take care of their bruises / cuts, and such, as well as join in on sparring drills :)

[Peter Rehse]

Mine keeps on insisting I go even when I feel too tired.

Reason 1. She likes my fit buff body. :up:
Reason 2 She knows I'm always in a better mood after.:D
Reason 3 I'ld rather not think about. :(

[Bad Karma]

Every warrior needs a princess. I have mine.

Rory

You suck. :mad:

Peace

[KayJay]

My answer would seem to mirror the majority - he supports me as long as he doesn't have to hear about it. :(
Actually I have been able to get him to help me out a couple of times.
I needed some work on a move that I had just learned stepping out of the way and coming after an attacker with a "sword". Practicing by myself wasn't getting me anywhere so I talked him into being the attacker. The intent was basically just to have a body I could work around and set myself up. After a few times I was doing better with the step and turn, ending up beside him so I added the next move which was an arm swing with the fist at the face - not bad, kind of surprised him. Next one, I did even better except the fact that I didn't get the temple but instead popped him in the nose - just hard enough to put him on the floor in tears. :eek:
He was alright but I haven't asked him for help since. :o

Sorry for the lack of correct terms - I haven't figured those out yet.

[Stephanie_dee]

LOL I have still to find a man who doesnt run a mile when I tell them I do martial arts, and inperticular what type! They seem to freak out... LOL! Thier loss, not mine!

I don't have high expectations from guys, and don't ask alot, however, a vague interest and ultimate support for me and my martial arts is a must. I won't take anything less.

My sig. is all too real....

[Jango007]

LOL I have still to find a man who doesnt run a mile when I tell them I do martial arts, and inperticular what type! They seem to freak out... LOL! Thier loss, not mine!

I can't believe men are actually afraid of you because of your martial art. I for one would not be afraid of a girl who likes playing with sticks. :p

[poetic misjustice]

i'd have to agree with tim there girls doing martial arts is great and i pity blokes who run a mile, one they'd be rather tired and two they suck! sorry for being a shovanistic pig but to be frank martial artist girls are hot :D anyway, most of the girls i talk to are supportive of the martial arts and i would have to say a vague interest or at least not making fun of/totally unaffected, MA improves fitness which can be used in more "social" areas of life hehe. :wink2:

[sifulawson]

i have just got engaged and me an my girlfriend had fought about my obssesion with martial arts and she can get annoyed when i talk about it alot or when i practiece alot and we had one big fight about it and she has relized that martial arts was a mayjor part of my life now she is very supportive of it and goes with me to train an helps me all that she can.

[s.henson]

When my wife and I first started dating, I told her from the start that Karate was a part of my life before she was and she would have to accept it. Well she did because that was 6 years ago.

[poetic misjustice]

well the girl i'm hoping to date soon is supportive of martial arts and actually wants me to take her to my classes and teach her a little so she can understand more about it, so thats great and i'm really chuffed about that.

[ChampNtraining]

I used to have the problems of dating women that didn't have the slightest interest in martial arts or anything physical. With me being so focused on martial arts and the weight room I'd often find myself skipping thru potential girlfriends like pairs of socks :( . But now i just take the easy way out and only date women that are into some type of sports or at least working out. Right now i'm with a girl that's definitely wife material and she takes tae kwon do, which I reluctantly don't practice anymore, at least not at a dojo, just with her at home. She takes her TKD while i'm out at BJJ class so there's no more tense arguments about my time investment towards martial arts anymore.

I've been thru the pain of having a partner that felt like you didnt care about them, but everything worked out for the best now. Just find someone (if that's still an option) with likeminded interest so you can bore each other to death with your workout stories. :)

And you can motivate the crap out of each other when you're both into martial arts. I find me and Katrina always challenging and trying to one up each other. I catch myself in BJJ class often working on my technique imagining the person I'm sprawling with is her... Is it ok for me to say that out loud :confused:

[ezzthetic]

I can't believe men are actually afraid of you because of your martial art. I for one would not be afraid of a girl who likes playing with sticks. :p

That was... classy. :laugh:

[Jeff Burger]

I can believe guys avoid women who do martial arts. I see it all the time.
Bottom line is they are whimps and anything less then ultra-feminine will challenge what little manhood they have.

Sorry ladies but its partially your fault. A few decades of demanding men be more sensitive has taken its toll.

Back to the question "how understanding is your spouse?"

Well Im not married but it has definately effected many a relationship.
Im have gotten you love (enter art at that time here) more than me.
I have made told "chose martial arts or me". My response was buh-by.

Jeff

[poetic misjustice]

Simple best scenario, date a martial artist :D the more pain they are able to inflict the better, might make arguements more...for want of a better term, interesting.

[Grei]

Well I have no spouse... (hopefully not! I'm just a BIT to young yet...) and no significant other, but as for LOOKING for one such I some it up well enough with something I've heard said from various sources; "I want a girl who can kick my butt."

Interesting is probably an adept term.


I can't believe men are actually afraid of you because of your martial art. I for one would not be afraid of a girl who likes playing with sticks. :p

Dude... I can't beleive you said that. Ouch... :laugh:

[dojo]

I had two boy friends who couldn't cope with the fact I am into MA. So we split (for this reason too). My new one is OK with this, even if it's weird for him to have a karate woman by his side. I am not yet instructing, but I think he'd cope with this. He understands that MA is important to me as much as I understand and support his own hobbies. It takes a bit of maturity and understanding, but we can lead a happy family life :)

[Gordon Nore]

I hadn't seen this thread before, but it seems to have held up well for a three-year-old topic :D

My wife, Blanche, and I have been together for eighteen years. She has been super-supportive: she has sat through about a dozen gradings (counting our son's and mine), run hot baths, massaged bruised muscles and egos, and so on. Although I normally train about three times a week, in the four or five months leading up to my black belt grading, I was at the gym or dojo six-seven nights per week. She knew I was getting ready for one of the biggest events of my life and never complained, even though my absense was inconvenient at times.

Blanche's big activity for the past three years has been volunteering for animal rescue and fostering dogs. She recently participated in a similar thread topic on an online animal rescue forum in which she said that I had been totally supportive of her passion.

Give and take. :D

[tcomea2]

I hadn't seen this thread before, but it seems to have held up well for a three-year-old topic :D

My wife, Blanche, and I have been together for eighteen years. She has been super-supportive: she has sat through about a dozen gradings (counting our son's and mine), run hot baths, massaged bruised muscles and egos, and so on. Although I normally train about three times a week, in the four or five months leading up to my black belt grading, I was at the gym or dojo six-seven nights per week. She knew I was getting ready for one of the biggest events of my life and never complained, even though my absense was inconvenient at times.

Blanche's big activity for the past three years has been volunteering for animal rescue and fostering dogs. She recently participated in a similar thread topic on an online animal rescue forum in which she said that I had been totally supportive of her passion.

Give and take. :D

i have to say while i am not yet married, but will be soon enough :wink2: that my beauitful lady is wonderful when it comes to my training. She wants to see me compete, she wants to see me train. I think she likes the idea of it for some reason, but i am yet to get her into a dojo. Maybe someday soon.

Oh and she can make a mean cup of hot tea, and gives great massage. :) :bandit:

[Brandon Fisher]

Why wife who recently achieved her shodan is very supportive. In 3 weeks we will be opening the doors to our own dojo so these issues you brought up are not uncommon but we have not had that problem as much. Only thing I can think of is if your husband would become interested it would make it easier.

[Harlan]

Zero support. Less than zero...if that's even possible.

[doubleouch]

How supportive are you? If you want your significant other to be supportive of your training you need to find a way to balance your training with your other responsibilities. I see it too often where someone thinks they need to train 5 nights a week and leave the wife home to deal with the kids. It's a negotiation. You have to make a deal that both can be happy with. If you do that and stick by it there will be far fewer problems.

[Clyde]

Actually, I think this is the appropriate category for this thread...and here's my question regarding this area...how do you "sell" the idea of going full-time in teaching to your spouse?? Be specific and play devils advocate, because mine can think of plenty of reasons why I shouldn't I'm sure!:(

[TylerD23]

Very supportive is my response.

When I floated the idea that I want to run my own school after I leave the Military my partner insisted she handle the business and administrative aspects. She alos wants it to be in her homeland, Quebec, but I would prefer Australia because my french is poor.

The support she has shown is quick remarkable because she is not exactly a MArtist herself. Though when I gave her her first striking lesson she downplayed the level of her previous experience and nearly snapped my leg with a solid roundhouse. She trains for fitness occasionally and helps me develop training ideas and drills for my students and (hopefully) a book. In fact she enjoys limited sparring wear she straps on the 16oz gloves and all I'm allowed to do is cover up as she pummels me. Romantic?

Maybe my point has been lost in my rambling but I can only value add to this discussion by saying she is very supportive in the sense that she assists me and follows the develppments (UFC, Pride) but she doesn't get so involved that it is at a level where she is doing it to gain my approval. She supports me, not smothers.

Does that provide an answer? If not please uppercut me.

[Harlan]

Don't assume. I am the wife, work 2 jobs (60 hrs/week), do all the housework, pay the bills and get grief about one night of training a week.


How supportive are you? If you want your significant other to be supportive of your training you need to find a way to balance your training with your other responsibilities. I see it too often where someone thinks they need to train 5 nights a week and leave the wife home to deal with the kids. It's a negotiation. You have to make a deal that both can be happy with. If you do that and stick by it there will be far fewer problems.

[Louise]

Jay,

That's too bad - I don't know if that had anything to do with the break up but I do assume that she probably lost out on a lot due to that inability to be understanding and as well probably caused you and any kids you may have had to lose out. I know about that because my husband is an avid hunter and fisherman and he has spent a lot of time and money over the years on this and it has demanded a great deal of understanding - We made sure not to have kids in the fall so that it woudn't interfere with his hunting! But I have to say that the understanding that I showed him and still do has paid off tenfold. He realized how understanding I am because we have friends whose spouses are not understanding and so he appreciates it a lot in me. Some of our friends tell white lies to their wives because they give them a hard time about things. On the other hand, I get to know everything because I'm understanding and I respect his individuality. We have always focused on quality time, not quantity. Also, he is more understanding with me as a result. It's just a win-win situation and it's too bad more people don't realize that. We are closer because we allow eachother to do our own thing. By the way, I don't get the hunting any more than he gets the Taekwondo - But that's okay! That's the beauty of it!

Anyway, I hope you find or have found someone who is understanding!;)

Any other stories out there?
I do Taekwondo as does my 8 yr old son and my 5 yr old daughter wants to start soon. My husband isn't into MA at all but is very supportive and does as much as he can so that we can train 2/3 times a week. It is a give/take situation though, we live in England and he likes to go to watch his footbal(soccer) team play every fortnight, and I always make sure he can do this so all in all we all win. I think it takes understanding and a supportive relationship. It takes a mature attitude to support someone in something you don't do yourself or take part in. Therefore I am lucky.

[Kwan Jang]

My wife just earned her fourth dan this summer and is truly the backbone of our school. I'm a lucky man that such a wonderful lady even puts up with me, let alone supports me the way she does.

[JiuJitsuRabbit]

Crystal at a whole 95 ibs trains BJJ twice a week, no gi, at her college. She usually comes over and asks me questions

[Koshu]

My future (and still wonderful) wife and I had been dating less than a month when I brought her to the dojo for the first time. She saw the training mat, and without any prodding or hesitation she said, "throw me!" She'd never trained in martial arts, so I was hesitant and thought perhaps she was joking. When she insisted, I told her to tuck her head and exhale, then threw her with an ogoshi. She got up and said, "that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be."

She may have been the one to fall, but I certainly also fell for her that day!

Mert

[Koshu]

I have noticed a strange tendency that when a spouse / significant other (early on in the relationship, or in a student's training --- whichever is more recent) says something like, "I totally support <martial artist's name>'s training. I know how important it is to him/her" --- that's often a death knell for that student's training.

Mert

[Soke Skip]

I have been blessed for my wife of 25 yrs, she has supported me in everything
that I do in the Martia Arts. She has bought me uniforms and swords when I
have said that I needed them. Wow, I did not even have to ask. She has made formal dinners for my friends and students, opened the house for those that have come to visit, even with there familys.
So what I have done is this; when I go and do a semenar around the country, I tell every one, bring me and my wife and feed us, and I will give you 2-3 days of teaching.
The benifit is we have met knew friends and the wives of the schools take mine and show her the town. This gives us about another two hours of MA with the boys.
soke Skip

[KungFuGirl]

My husband is not understanding of my training needs at all, he makes me go to classes 3 or 4 times a week and then makes me teach 5 other classes each week... I need a break! Oh and then he lets the black belts beat me up all the time! :mad:

[Swalesey]

TKDcanada, I suppose I am one of the lucky ones. I have gone from going to the gym 3 times a week (monday,wednesday,friday) To going to silat twice a week (tuesday, thursday).

The key is remembering that quality time with the family is important. Although even this early i can feel silat becoming a big part of my life, I will always make that quality time with the girls (2 little uns and the missus ;) ).

I actualy talked to her about it tonight,
I said " I sometimes feel guilty going out when you are staying at home on your own"
And she said "don't worry, I know i'm sometimes pissed off with you going, but once my strop is over i realy enjoy the peace and quiet :) "
We have an understanding now :)

[Underdog]

My relationship came almost a full year before I began studying Martial arts. Believe it or not, I was in a Heavy Metal band. My girlfriend came to all but 2 of our shows. She's put up with practicing my "Metal Scream" in the car while driving through town. Sadly tho, the band came to fall.
Shortly after I picked up my martial art's study. Now of course with this my girlfriend couldnt be such an active part of this. Before she could come to the shows, or even just hang out during the practices. With Martial arts however, it is ... less interesting to watch during a practice. And I dont compete so there are never any real "Show's" to come out and see per say.
Even so though, through the transition she was very supportive and encouraged me to find something I enjoyed doing. I feel horrible now leaving before practice knowing she will be sitting at home alone for the next couple hours while I am out having fun. But she is always happy to see me when I come home and hear about how practice went. I really wish she could find a hobby or something she enjoys as well so I could be as supportive for her as she is for me because it really does mean alot to me and I want to return the favour, support her in something so she can see how much her support really means to me. :o

[Koshu]

. . . Believe it or not, I was in a Heavy Metal band. . .

Believe it! Lots of comparisons can be drawn between music and martial arts -- e.g. heavy metal and a hard style like you study (in a Japanese martial art, the audible kiai would be very much like a metal scream). To me, a hard work out at the dojo provides a high similar to jamming in a band.

As for the time when your girlfriend's not with you when you're training -- any chance the hobby you're hoping she'll find could end being Muay Thai?? As it is, when she is with you, she's the beneficiary of your training.

Mert

[Tails]

For the most part my other half understands that it's something that I love to do. Now she has no interest in it but it's something I like to do so she supports it. Kinda like her and her architecture stuff. She loves it so I support her in that aspect of her life. She comes and watches me practice, helps out, and comes to the tournaments for support..:)

Tails

[Underdog]

Believe it! Lots of comparisons can be drawn between music and martial arts -- e.g. heavy metal and a hard style like you study (in a Japanese martial art, the audible kiai would be very much like a metal scream). To me, a hard work out at the dojo provides a high similar to jamming in a band.

Yea I really enjoy just listening to Heavy music while training. It gives me that extra 'drive' to just give it my all. Not to mention alot of Metal has some really fast Bass drum kick. I Can't help but want to ty and hit the bag along with the drummer hitting the bass. It's good stuff. :D




As for the time when your girlfriend's not with you when you're training -- any chance the hobby you're hoping she'll find could end being Muay Thai?? As it is, when she is with you, she's the beneficiary of your training.

Mert

Haha I wish, she already find's it amusing to try and beat me up at anytime during the day just for fun, the last thing I need is for her to know how to give a solid shin kick. :laugh: In all fairness though, she one day hopes to be a Big leauge chef. So she cook's alot of really good food and tries new recipe's all the time, and thats deffinantly something I bennifit from.

[Koshu]

. . . alot of Metal has some really fast Bass drum kick. I Can't help but want to ty and hit the bag along with the drummer hitting the bass. . . . Thanks to a fellow student at my dojo, I picked up the latest CD by All That Remains --- that's some mean double-kick drumming!!


. . . she already find's it amusing to try and beat me up at anytime during the day just for fun . . . Yeah --- those of us with spouses / significant others with martial skills (or at least martial tendencies) certainly have reason to walk the line a little more straight and narrow. :cool:

Mert

[Underdog]

Thanks to a fellow student at my dojo, I picked up the latest CD by All That Remains --- that's some mean double-kick drumming!!


Isn't it just such an awesome drive having that heavy bass drum just going like that, I find it for me personally to be the most motovational thing I could have while at the gym. A song I would reccomend if you do like to listen to some Metal is a song called "Descending" by a band called "Lamb of God" The song starts out with a quiet hum for about the first 8 seconds, then it just hit's you like a punch in the face. Deffinantly one of my favourite songs.



Yeah --- those of us with spouses / significant others with martial skills (or at least martial tendencies) certainly have reason to walk the line a little more straight and narrow. :cool:

Mert

:laugh: If they say it's your turn to take out the garbage, you better believe it's your turn to take out the garbage. :D And dont even second guess your mother in law comming to stay for a few weeks.

[Koshu]

. . . a song called "Descending" by a band called "Lamb of God" . . .

The snippets of this song I found online appear to be the slower verses (not sure if the chorus explodes into thrash-type speed or not) --- but even then, the double-bass is really syncopated and aggressive!

So your lady-friend can hang with both TKD and metal, and you get gourmet food in return?? That's a keeper!

Mert

[Underdog]

The snippets of this song I found online appear to be the slower verses (not sure if the chorus explodes into thrash-type speed or not) --- but even then, the double-bass is really syncopated and aggressive!


Ah yea. It's the beggining of the song. on the 15 second mark is the powerful entrance. I suppose not the whole song is as motivating, it's more the first couple minutes before the rythm starts altering. One with a more steady driving pace is "Take this Oath" by a band called Killswitch Engaged. Thats some steady deep metal.



So your lady-friend can hang with both TKD and metal, and you get gourmet food in return?? That's a keeper!

Mert

Haha yea I really lucked out. Luckily Somehow even with the differences we have the chemistry works so well that it just seem's to work. It's a good thing too, Cuz I cant even make instant pancakes. Burnt on the outide, raw liquid dough on the inside. Haha! :laugh: