i need youre input

[Blue_driven]

(i dont know if this is the right forum section if not accept my appology) Some how I made this guy upset and he keeps threatening me over the internet seems nothing but a keyboard war im being really calm about it. Even though i was taught how to take on a person alot bigger than my self, I dont wana get in to a fight but if he attacks me what should i do (remember im a teenager in high school and word travels). What im asking here is what would you do in my position? take in to consideration the person being taller and probally stronger.

[StanLee]

What forum are you having this "keyboard" war on. This forum?

A little more precise information please. As I currently understand it, you and your "opponent" go to the same school and are on the same forum.

Best bet is to either stop posting whereever that place is or cold shoulder that person.

Then after things have cooled, talk to them in person. Face to face communication is always the best. You can then gauge his facial and body expressions.

PS. Give us a run down of how you got yourself into this "mess". Use qoutes from your and his threads. We need more information before giving you the go ahead to do a 007 on the other person. :wink2:

[Blue_driven]

Im freinds with this guys girl friends (this is aim not a forum) and well he dosent like me i dont know why. It started because he dosent want me talking to his girl friend and started bad mouthing me, i was being really nice and didnt say anything mean to him (i think i was pissin him off cause i wasnt intimidated by his threatening words) i guess thats all their is to tell.

[StanLee]

Brad,

I can only say what I feel to be correct now. As I have not been in a school social situation for many years, my views may not be the best. But I can say that it could be something closer to what you need than what some of our more illustrious and "older" members would have to say.

First thing is, why in hell were you chatting up someone else's bird (girl)? Even if your intension are good and are just good friends; in the eyes of her boyfriend you're seen to be moving in on her.

So he's gone around bad mouthing you. What kind of things has he been saying? If it is something about your abilities of being a man, then serious action needs to be taken.

But if it is minor back stabbing comments like "that jerk is **** and a **** and he's hanging around my girlfriend..." etc. etc., then I'd say leave and don't challenge directly.

My best bet for you and your friendship with this lady is to have a chat with her and get "her" to sort her man out. Have you tried talking with this guy calmly? Explained the situation with him?

Other things you could do is to start hanging out with other females and spend less time with your female friend. Let things cool off.

Failing all that, then sod the lot of them! You're only still at school, when you leave and go to university / college, you'll most probably won't see most of them anyway (as was the case when I left school and 6th form / 18 year old high school type thing).

As we go through life, we are constantly meeting new people and leaving others behind as we change and progress. This is purely a "stage" you're going through.

If this guy is all mouth and does not seem to be violent towards you, then don't take physical action. But my best bet, as a budoka is to go up to this guy, maybe in front of his friends and apologise to him. This then puts him on the spotlight in front of his friends and could make him feel uneasy. But puts the ball back in his court, you've apologised publically but if he still carries on the way he is towards you. His mates may think differently about this guy. Why not befriend his friends also?

What does our "older" members have to say??? :D

PS How old are you and could you please use puncuation.

[Cliff Hargrave]

Print everything out and save it. If it continues you have several options. You can show it to some school officials, your parents, or the police and get them involved if you have to. Plus if he ever attacks you then you have proof that he was the bad guy and you were just the innocent victim. Some states may consider a threat over the internet as a criminal act already. Take whatever steps you can to de-escalate the situation before it becomes violent.

[DanielS]

First thing is, why in hell were you chatting up someone else's bird (girl)? Even if your intension are good and are just good friends; in the eyes of her boyfriend you're seen to be moving in on her.

??? What the hell is that? Your saying that if one of your female friends gets a boyfriend that you will stop talking to her? I hope not, otherwise, you werent a good friend to begin with.

Or did I take that the wrong way? If I did, I apologize.

I would follow Cliffs advice. He knows this stuff.

[tkdcanada]

Okay, I did this twice and lost it both times. First of all quote:

"If it was something about your abilities as a man, then serious action needs to be taken..." (or something of the sort)

You must be joking! :rolleyes: How testosterone tainted and ego driven is that?! First of all, anyone has the right to say anything they want. By the same token, anyone has a perfect right not to like it. But if you feel you have to "take action" over mere words, you're no better.

A few other things come to mind. Was the girl your friend before or after she had the boyfriend? In my eyes, it makes a difference. If he was around first, and she's going around making new "guy" friends, then this borders crossing the lines and just has a feel of inapproriateness. But if you were one of her friends before he came on to the picture, then he needs to accept the fact and live with it. Having her explain that to him may help. Back to if he was around first; I would suggest first approaching him next time you are on line with him and saying something like: "Hey man, I really didn't mean to cross any lines." Then prove it and back off. Put yourself in his shoes.

We all have a certain control over situations whether we realize it or not and you participating in this "war of words" makes you no better. Take control, be the bigger man, and either back off or speak to him in a rational way to get across to him that you are not a threat to his relationship with her.

Finally, I know it's difficult with you being teenagers since reactions are often not rational. All you can do is your best on your side. Good luck. Let us know.

[Poke]

You say it's a keyboard war so far. Some people talk bigger than they really are - especially online, when you're not looking the person in the eye. How likely is this person to actually cause you physical harm? Is he making specific threats ("I'm going to throw bricks at you when you're walking home from school") or just making vague macho statements ("I'm going to hurt you")?

Go with your logic and your gut feel. If he's not likely to follow through physically on his threats, you probably don't have anything to worry about as long as you don't provoke him further (as mentioned previously, backing away from his girl and making a point of hanging out with different female friends might be a good idea). If you really feel that he's going to physically attack you, talk to his girl, your friends, your teacher/coach/parents (at least one adult in a position of responsibility over you or him). If it gets really bad, StanLee is right - after graduation, you'll probably never see him again. At the worst, you'll have to cope with this for four years, tops.

Depending on the guy, his girl, and the relationship between each of them and you, asking the girl to talk to the guy may be productive or counterproductive. There's the danger of him thinking "Wait... she's sticking up for this guy... I don't like him, I think he's hitting on her, and now it sounds like she likes him too." Again, you're the only one in the position to gauge the situation. Apologizing publicly in front of his friends is a good idea (unless, of course, his friends are also out to get you). Since it's an internet argument, perhaps writing him an explanatory email (not a defensive or confrontational one, but a gentle explanation of your view of the situation and apologies if you've inadvertently offended him) may help. If you do decide to write him an email/letter, I'd be happy to help you proofread it (pm me or post it here).

Above all, don't fall into the mindset of "I'm right, he's wrong," casting him as the unreasonable bad guy and yourself as the noble, macho good guy. It's likely that both of you are a little right and a little wrong (though the scales may be tipped more towards your side). Try to understand his perspective on the matter. It's probably not as illogical as you think.

By the way, I'm 18 and graduated from high school last year, so think of this advice as coming from a peer that's seen similar situations around (from the sidelines, thankfully - and they were all eventually defused).

-Mel Chua

[Chris Wade]

So this guy is tough on AIM, but not in person at your school?

I like the idea of apologizing in person at school. Besides putting the ball in his court, it will force him to deal with the words he so freely types.

I DON'T feel that you need to end your friendship because she has a boyfriend. The fact that she has male friends is their problem, not yours.

I also like the idea of keeping records of the conversations.

Bottom line, if you apologize and he is still just doing this on AIM, then he is all noise and I wouldn't worry. At the first sign of something physical though, I would suggest you drop him where he stands.

[redqueen290]

ok, ur a teenager, so am i, so i hope my opinion helps. if this guy is threatening u on aim, nd you no u can fight him. Then make him back up his mouth. give him a time and a place. he will most likely back down. people do this to me constantly, im alwase getting threatend, but no one will actually fight me. Wich after awhile gets dissapointing becuz i look forward to a good fight. well, hope this helps, good luck, nd remember, dont break anybones, cuz then u can get in LOTS of trouble wit the law.
-emily nealey :karate:

[Poke]

If he's threatening you and you've never threatened him back, then it's clear to whatever authorities, should something happen, that the conflict was due to his actions, not yours. Challenging him to a fight (naming a time and place) changes all that. I'd advise against it. Don't get yourself in trouble acting the tough guy. Play it safe.

[StanLee]

??? What the hell is that? Your saying that if one of your female friends gets a boyfriend that you will stop talking to her? I hope not, otherwise, you werent a good friend to begin with.

Or did I take that the wrong way? If I did, I apologize.

I would follow Cliffs advice. He knows this stuff.

I was under the impression that they were quite close and friendly. To outsiders (including this girl's boyfriend) it may seem he's moving in on her.

But our young poster has not got back to us with clearer details.

Yes, Cliff's advice is top notch. I wouldn't have even thought of that. A little OTT for me, but he is in the police and knows how to spot these situations better.


Okay, I did this twice and lost it both times. First of all quote:

"If it was something about your abilities as a man, then serious action needs to be taken..." (or something of the sort)

You must be joking! How testosterone tainted and ego driven is that?! First of all, anyone has the right to say anything they want. By the same token, anyone has a perfect right not to like it. But if you feel you have to "take action" over mere words, you're no better.

Should have made myself clear about this one. I merely meant "serious" action to be words with the other guy or to sort out the situation quickly. I wasn't about to tell bluedriven to go and physical.

I'm not that daft!

[The Nephilim]

Do as Cliff says, keep a record of all messages and conversations. This will include his login name so if he does try to blame someone else, he is the only one that has that account. Try and autokeep your messages on AIM. Yahoo logs it in the archive and MSN messenger have a archive of conversations in either .XML or as a wordpad document if the option is selected.

Secondly, change your name on AIM. This works well if you want it to stop. Use Trillian instead of AIM as you have more access to other messengers systems.

Third, if the threats involve physical and threats of a serious nature, just save to disc and call the police or the helpdesk at AOL. After all, AOL want hand clappy happy customers and the police love to play with other peoples computers :up:

Mind you I have had a load of arguements on Y!ahoo and MSN messenger, and the best way is to block them.

[Ron Rompen]

Been there, done that, so I know exactly what you are going through.

To begin with, IGNORE what Redqueen290 has advised; in the first place you are putting yourself in considerable danger (even if you believe you can beat him, you could be wrong, or he could bring friends, a gun, etc), but you are also putting YOURSELF in the role of the aggressor, and hence the bad guy.

And lets not even think about how this reflects on your role as a karateka. There is no first attack in karate. Words are only that, words. They may sting, they may cause anger, but they cannot do physical harm.

I would also recommend against publicly confronting this person; an email apology might be useful, although I doubt it.

And if all else fails, ignore him, don't get drawn into it, and let it go. Eventually he'll get tired, and bother someone else.

[Ramirez]

I agree with Ron - best to defuse the situation, ignore it and hope he goes away, there are not very many good outcomes out of a confrontation.

1) he could seriously injure you
2) you could seriously injure him

Either 1 or 2 means legal trouble, never a good thing.

Follow most of the advice here - keep a record of is e-mails etc. and if it seems like he is getting more serious take it to the authorities.