Anxious Husband!

**CWigs** · 06-13-2005, 11:43

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I have been wanting to take BJJ for a while now. My husband originally wanted to take it with me, but now says that he wants to do a different MA. I got some information on a school I want to see, and told him about it. He now says that he doesn't feel comfortable about me rolling around with other guys. He says that he wants to come with me, or that he will take it with me. Even though he isn't interested in it. I have tried to tell him there is nothing sexual about it, etc. I can understand how he may be uncomfortable with the thought of me rolling around with other men. I tried to explain it was just practicing, but he is still uncomfortable with it.
Any thoughts of how to alleviate his discomfort? I don't want him to take bjj with me just for the sole fact of keeping an eye on the other guys. I would like him to take it with me, but not for that reason. Should I let him take it with me anyway, and maybe he'll like it, and begin to understand that you don't roll around for pleasure?
By the way my husband is not some jealous, overprotective man. I don't want him to come across like that. He would let me take it regardless, I just want him to be comfortable with it. Thanks!

**Erik** · 06-13-2005, 12:02

Has he gone to a few practices? Has he gotten semi-proficient with his wrestling? Enough that he can struggle and get a sense of the sport?

When he reaches that point, when he endures enough pain and frustration on the mat, I am sure that he will understand that guard is not a sexual position and he will get over it.

Just keep bringing him to practice and with enough bruises he will understand.

**G Hendrix** · 06-13-2005, 12:18

So, how does your husband feel about you rolling around with other guys, Erik? lol

**Gene Williams** · 06-13-2005, 12:51

**Erik** · 06-13-2005, 13:00

She hates the stench and won't come in the gym.

**kmtsd** · 06-13-2005, 13:03

Its hard to say...
my first inclination is to say let him take it with you... he will either like it and end up staying, or get bored and quit... if he is really not the jealous type and just reasonably concerned, then his mind should be eased by the knowledge of the sport, the people you are training with, and by seeing how you react. Whether or not he stays in it will be a function of his own interest.

But be warned...if he is the jealous type, then watching you "roll" around with other guys will only make him worse -in which case he should stay home, and just stay away from the whole place -acknowledging any "jealous behavior" will only encourage him to be more controlling.

Good luck.

**David Beckwith** · 06-13-2005, 13:08

More likely he will be overly defensive when he sees you slammed to the mat or grimice in pain. Maybe he just doesn't want you to get banged up.

**Eliz** · 06-13-2005, 14:01

Hi Cari,
Welcome to BudoSeek.

My husband is not jealous or overly protective either, but one thing I can say for sure. He HATES seeing me thrown down on the mats in HKD. He does not train in HKD so really doesn't completely understand the whole thing.

I would say go ahead with your plans. Maybe your husband will like BJJ, maybe he will quit, or maybe - like my husband - he will just quietly respect your progress.

Let us know how it goes.

**Mandeigh Wells** · 06-13-2005, 15:52

I would be inclined to tell him to grow up...you are not 'rolling around' with other men, you are practising a martial art, one that could possibly save your life, after all he might not be there to hold you hand at every minute of the day....

Personally I wouldn't care if he was comfortable with it or not...thats his baggage.......what is really important is whether you want to do it or not and if he wants to join in a learn a skill too...great...if he doesn't, no problem you go on your own.

**CWigs** · 06-13-2005, 19:01

Originally Posted by Mandeigh Wells

I would be inclined to tell him to grow up...you are not 'rolling around' with other men, you are practising a martial art, one that could possibly save your life, after all he might not be there to hold you hand at every minute of the day....

Personally I wouldn't care if he was comfortable with it or not...thats his baggage.......what is really important is whether you want to do it or not and if he wants to join in a learn a skill too...great...if he doesn't, no problem you go on your own.

My husband knows we are not "rolling around" for pleasure. He doesn't know anything about bjj, but he does know that. I think that being uncomfortable with another man on top of your wife is not being immature. I love him so I DO care if he is uncomfortable or not, hence the motivation for my thread.

Thank you all for the suggestions, I think I will let him come so he can see the dynamics of the school. Get to meet everyone, and hopefully he will enjoy it so much he will want to learn with me! If he still has problems I can always armbar him until he's okay with it.

That promotes harmony in marriage, right?

**Erik** · 06-13-2005, 19:16

If he tries it a few times he will "know" more vividly what it's about.

**G Hendrix** · 06-13-2005, 20:47

Originally Posted by Eliz Seuferling

I would say go ahead with your plans. Maybe your husband will like BJJ, maybe he will quit, or maybe - like my husband - he will just quietly respect your progress.

.

May be he will join a bellydancing class. While you practice rolling around with a bunch of sweaty guys, he is shaking it with a bunch of sweaty pretty girls. lol What is fair is fair.

**Eliz** · 06-13-2005, 21:50

Originally Posted by G Hendrix

May be he will join a bellydancing class. While you practice rolling around with a bunch of sweaty guys, he is shaking it with a bunch of sweaty pretty girls. lol What is fair is fair.

.

So true.

I can't stop laughing - my husband is the size of your average mountain. Just the picture of him belly dancing...

Now waltzing - thats a different story - he is S-M-O-O-T-H.

In truth, he is so laid back and cool (and handsome). He just hates to see me slammed down on the mats - and than he doesn't understand why I jump up to be slammed down again. Than I hobble home and say, "Great night." He just shakes his head.

The point is, after 15 years of marriage we still maintain some individuality. It's important. And we TRUST and RESPECT each other and the choices we make.

Thanks again.

**G Hendrix** · 06-13-2005, 21:54

How true! The keywords : Trust and Respect. I wish everyone can be just as happy in life as you two are.

**Eliz** · 06-13-2005, 22:03

Thank you!!!!

The Nephilim · 06-14-2005, 08:30

Okay, this may sound a bit out of place, slap me if you think this is not right or a moderator remove it.

[Dr. Ruth impression starting]

As BJJ is rolling around on the floor, grappling and lock outs, it can be fun with a partner/husband. The BJJ system is very close in, bordering on intimate. So if your husband is a bit misunderstanding, you could show him in the confines of your home, in private. After all, what man would not want to have some wrestling in that way in the privacy of your own home.

By doing it that way it stops him from thinking in that way about the MA style. You get to teach him in a way that he will find amusing. It will build up the relationship to a level of trust regarding locks ETC. All these sex therapists say do this as fun or do that as fun. So why not do what you are learning. [Dr. Ruth impression fades away silently]

**moogong** · 06-14-2005, 11:50

Carri...this is another possibility of what might happen if your husbands goes to a class. If you can get him out on the mat he might find how incredibly addictive BJJ can be. After a few classes he will actually encourage you to roll with other guys with different body types in order for you to develop a tighter game. Pretty soon he will be jealous not that these guys are rolling with you but that you are hogging all the sparring partners.

**DragonMind** · 06-14-2005, 16:06

Originally Posted by CWigs

If he still has problems I can always armbar him until he's okay with it.

That promotes harmony in marriage, right?

My SO does Arnis with me so she uses sticks and knives. Nothing says love like a 7" blade at your throat...

**Jeff C.** · 06-14-2005, 16:43

William, good try, but I think that could backfire. If she tries to interest him in BJJ through an "intimate wrestling session" and he enjoys it for the wrong reasons.....well, do I need to tell you that us men are very simple-minded? If he enjoys it "for those reasons" he will jump to the simple but erroneous conclusion that his wife's classmates enjoy it for those SAME reasons!

Cari, also don't think for a minute that men don't enjoy grappling with attractive women. If given the choice to grapple with a stinking, sweaty dude or an attractive female who smells nice, I would be inclined at times to roll with the female. The difference is this: we can enjoy interactions with the opposite gender, as long as our behavior remains appropriate.

I think you should take your husband to class to at least watch. If he is uncomfortable watching you roll, he needs to never watch again. But he should at least watch long enough to reinforce his trust in you and faith also - faith that you will have good situational awareness and will stop any nonsense on the mat before it can morph into something worse.

Good luck to you and your husband!

Jeff Cook
Wabujitsu

**CWigs** · 06-15-2005, 01:26

[QUOTE=Jeff C.]William, good try, but I think that could backfire. If she tries to interest him in BJJ through an "intimate wrestling session" and he enjoys it for the wrong reasons.....well, do I need to tell you that us men are very simple-minded? If he enjoys it "for those reasons" he will jump to the simple but erroneous conclusion that his wife's classmates enjoy it for those SAME reasons!

We wrestle all the time. Believe me it is the furtherest thing from fun for him. I'm 5'5 115 lbs, he's 6'2 200lbs, and I always manage to hurt him. He has to put up with me asking if I can punch him in the arm to see if my punches have gotten stronger. I guess I subconsciously think his threshold for pain is higher, since he is so much bigger than me. Although when we wrestle he thinks it's great fun just to lay his deadweight on me so I'm immobilized, then smother me in kisses. Of course he does move as fast as lighting to run away when he's done. He moves well for his size. I guess when your running for your life, you automatically go into warp speed.

Another question that has been in my mind is, are there gis specifically made for women? Or all they just unisex?